airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
what does he know…
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.