Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Happy Star Wars day!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
this is the news I live for
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”