Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
You learn something every day
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text