[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.