[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds