airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.