Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.