Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals