airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.