Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.