Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.