Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
There are no pants in heaven.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E