airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
a god among men
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
fixed it
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.