airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”


What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.


Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-


[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?


I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets


WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]


[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”


You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.


Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there