[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.