[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
#polloftheday
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight