[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Jogging
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH