[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.