[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.