Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Is this you?

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me as a therapist: omg same

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.