[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
we all know this pain all too well
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it