@ScottLinnen

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

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@Holy_Mowgli

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

@weinerdog4life

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@TwistdidMind

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?