@ScottLinnen

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

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@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@HenpeckedHal

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

@Stella1070

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

@tweetarded1

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*