@wendymklassen What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
@ScottLinnen Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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@wendymklassen 
@MoistPork Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
@lianamaeby “It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
@HenpeckedHal Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
@Stella1070 I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
@LoveNLunchmeat I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
@IamEnidColeslaw some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
@neiltyson Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
@tweetarded1 Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
@Kyle_Lippert It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*