Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.