pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.