Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”