[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
we all know this pain all too well
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Husband of the year 😂
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”