[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.