[airport security]
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

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“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…


I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.


I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?


“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*


being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot


H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”


Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?