[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.