This is a sub tweet
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.