@Chhapiness

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

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@ohpegah

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

@noneofyours99

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@SirEviscerate

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@ellle_em

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

@bornmiserable

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.