Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.