Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
$4 #usedbooks
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked