AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Buying a well is money well spent.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed