Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again