ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Optional boss fight.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]