Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.