Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.