Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*


Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself


“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”


To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.


I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.


If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.


The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.


A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.