@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

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@Ygrene

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

@Teowulf

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

@

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.