Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.