*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
You Might Also Like
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.