@DairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

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@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@PLATINUM2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@MichaelTrying

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

@ArfMeasures

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

@Rollmaninoz

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

@TheBoydP

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

@meegangilbert

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

@SamSykesSwears

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud