Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Pikachu found the lost joint
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?