@Elizasoul80 *exercises sarcastically*
@DairylandDon Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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@Elizasoul80 
@TheBoydP Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
@PLATINUM2000 How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
@MichaelTrying How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
@ArfMeasures Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
@Rollmaninoz [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
@TheBoydP National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
@meegangilbert My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
@markydoodoo Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
@SamSykesSwears an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud