Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

You Might Also Like


Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard


How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?


How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?


Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us


Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct


National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*


My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…


an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud