“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please