ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
my professor scared me for a second
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
He wanted to make sure😂
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
never forget
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time