Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
*puts my mental health in rice
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
😂😂
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
did it work
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Pizza is an emotion right?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I support this random dude and all his protests
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,