@Clanopath

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@Clanopath

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

@mattZillaaaa

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

@thatdentaldude

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*