Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”