Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Oh no
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.