Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.


I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.


Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.


If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.


I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.


8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.


I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.