@OIDontGiveAFuck

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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@MoistPork

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

@Boleyngirly

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@Social_Mime

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@justinmatic5000

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

@thtchicmichelle

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.