@OIDontGiveAFuck

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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@Spaziotwat

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@GingerGander

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@Love_bug1016

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

@Marcmywords2

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

@Smooheed

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand