Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
oh my god
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Same post same
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.