Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip