Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Born to be mild.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.