“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.


Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.


What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”


I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.


The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way


everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)


Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.


It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.


If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.