“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’