“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?