@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

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@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@velvettusk

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

@whatsJo

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

@elle91

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@BegoniaLuv

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

@JackMackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@TheBoydP

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.