Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Google Pay be like:
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.