Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.