alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
And that about sums it up.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.