Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!


If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??


I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber


Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.