Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Where’s my employee discount too?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be