When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.