@Stexcy

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

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@BrandyLJensen

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

@HatfieldAnne

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

@JustinGuarini

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

@Skoog

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.