alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.